Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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