Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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