so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
