1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
