I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
