oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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