yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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