I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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