I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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