proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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