cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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