I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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