I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
