Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
