I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
