i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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