Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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