Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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