party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
