i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
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you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
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When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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