I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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