you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
