after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
