i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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