just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just found a bag of teeth...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
