Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
