Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
