I cannot find my penis.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
that's an acceptable place to lick
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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