I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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