I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
