Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
