the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
