She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
