No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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