I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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