And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
