I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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