I am spending my child support on dildos
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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