The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
