can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
