I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
