I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
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Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
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Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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