You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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