bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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