i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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