I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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