You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
