I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
