dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
