so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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