I accidentally burped into my bong.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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