If that was your dad, he is hot
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
