SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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