I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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