im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
