So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
