Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
