Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
