She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
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Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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