This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
