I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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