I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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