you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
